Relationships include both an evolving process within an individual, concurrently while creating a combined union of energies between or among the participants involved in a relationship. In a relationship between two individuals or in a group context, the combined energies produce something other than any of the individuals would experience alone. “The whole is greater than the sum of its parts.” Whether a relationship is one of romantic involvement, friendship, business endeavor or group alliance, there are guidelines and checkpoints to look for as a relationship unfolds. In relationships one step sequentially builds upon another.
Planting the Seeds:
Conscious preparation for a specific kind of relationship in one’s life begins by defining one’s wants, needs, dreams, desires and goals. Reviewing oneself internally is referred to as ‘taking your own inventory’ or ‘getting your internal house in order’.
Start by making a list of each of the above categories. Then define what each item in each of your categories means to you. Be as specific with the details of your lists as you can be, based on your current awareness of yourself. It helps to view yourself as a work in progress and to know that over time these definitions may alter or adjust depending on your cumulative experiences and at what stage of life you see yourself. You can add to or change your lists as you clarify yourself over time. Read your lists daily. Creating a poster board of pictures and words relating to your lists will help you ‘visualize’ your personal story. This will add energy and clarity to creating what you want. As we ‘plant these seeds’, we are able to know more readily and more consciously who we are, what is important to us, and what we personally need to function optimally in life
As we define ourselves, and what is important to us in our relationships, it aids us to identify and claim our personal worthiness and our personal integrity. Personal Integrity includes 1) learning to be able to count on yourself to know what you want. Creating the above lists is the preparation work to help you to identify, claim and set into motion obtaining what you have determined what your wants, needs dreams and desires to be. Knowing more clearly what you want, makes it easier for you to break down and take the steps towards getting there. 2) As a result of being clear about and knowing what you want, others can begin to confidently count on you when you share with them. They know you can be trusted to ‘mean what you say and say what you mean’ .3) Others will also know that you can be counted on to do what you say you’ll do to the best of your ability or to do something of equal or greater value, while keeping all participants in the relationship apprised of any changes.
When you say what you want, the energy of the Universe aligns to assist you to obtain it. Once you get what you say you want, you can then choose to keep it or to refine / redefine your lists. This brings with it the possibility for evolving yourself and your relationships and creating ever-greater fulfillment with both.
Tending the seeds:
Defining your lists, planting the seeds in your own consciousness and to the Universe, being clearer about sharing yourself through your personal integrity with others, leads you to the opportunity of more conscious relationships. As you choose to share with others, others have the right and free will choice to align with what you want or they can choose to do something else that may greater serve in their personal growth. Then it’s up to you. If you want to explore with this person what he/ she offers back to you, you can adjust your picture to match theirs. Realize that relationship does not fulfill the entire picture of your ‘lists’. Decide to reevaluate your lists or realize someone else will more fully meet what you want to experience.
It’s helpful to think of this process in terms of a tennis match. You serve (offer what you want to share with someone). Then it is up to the other to respond. If they respond (hit the ball back), ‘Game On’. And so it goes, back and forth. More sharing continues to define who you are to each other. If at some point one of you doesn’t ‘hit the ball back’, you’re probably not on the same page with this person. .“People can give only what they can spare and the rest be contented to share.” (This is from a folk song written by Terry Huxtable.)
If people are getting what they want, they tend to be calm. When two people don’t want the same thing, it becomes frustrating very quickly Emotions begin to flare and upset begins to degenerate the relationship. Anger is a signal that you’re afraid that you are not getting what you want from the relationship. If someone doesn’t want to play by the same rules that you have set for yourself, it’s very hard to win the game together. Clarify your Boundaries of what works for you and what doesn’t and what you want to experience. Perhaps its time to distance, take some time for yourself and re-evaluate.
Timing is an important element in relationships. In any kind of sharing, ‘too much, too fast, too soon’ can create an imbalance or the need for one of the parties to step back. This stepping back is to regain balance within oneself and to sort out what one is experiencing. It can be scary for the other party but if you give the person the space and time they need to come to terms with their own fears, they will come back with a clearer picture of how they would like to relate with you. Contacting anyone before they are ready can cause them to feel ‘pushed’ which creates more fear and more withdrawal. Rushing people in relationships can cause kindness and care to be sacrificed. “Let the person go and if they come back to you…” Regardless of the outcome, keep in mind, ‘The Language of Relationship’. Words can hurt and they can heal. If you decide to end the interaction use the philosophy of "Peace Out". Thiswill help you do so respectfully.
Allowing the seeds to germinate, sprout and grow:
Sharing personal histories with each other begins a bonding of emotional fortification, physical exploration intellectual compatibility and spiritual ideology. These small caring steps help to forge a relationship forward. As you share with each other, evaluate if you mutually agree on the higher ‘Principles of Behavior in Relationships’ that you have defined for yourself through your lists. When you tell the person what you want, do you feel that the other person listens and hears you? Is what you say important to them? Is this person someone who can both hear what you say and see through to what you mean? Do you feel SAFE sharing yourself with this person? Where does he or she prioritize you in their life?
A healthy relationship infuses you with Life Force or Chi energy that you can feel expanding within you. Does the relationship you’re in enhance you or deter from your energy? Do you feel better about yourself by being in the relationship? Do you feel comfortable on all levels with this person? Is this person someone you can be completely and utterly yourself around? Kierkegaard said that ‘no matter how much time has gone by since you’ve seen someone you care for, that you pick up the relationship where you left off’. Good friendships share this kind of relationship. I think the same thing happens intuitively upon meeting someone ‘new’.
Evaluate who and what the relationship truly offers you based on your ‘lists’, your comfort level and on your answers to the above questions. Love is Healing. Love is nourishing and life sustaining. Each individual becomes empowered through the relationship.
One of the elements I look for in relationships is what I call, ‘The Law of Reciprocity’: In relationships, we are generally looking for someone to love and to care for, and for someone who loves and cares for us back. Prioritize listening to what a person does, (their actions) initially more so than what they say until you can be sure that they have developed their own personal integrity. What they say represents their own dreams and thoughts. What they do tells you if they are ready to put into action what they say they want.
Good relationships depend on 3 things:
1) Good Communication. Talk to each other and share honestly.
2) Shared goals, visions and ideals
3) A willingness and commitment to do what it takes to make it work.
When people are in love and truly care for each other, their true love’s’ needs begin to take precedence with their own. They begin to develop a sense of well being for each other. They are important to each other. There is a mutual desire to support each other in obtaining each other’s goals. Nothing stands in the way of this.
The Law of Viability:
In some relationships, no matter how much tending you do, if the relationship is not ‘programmed’ for viability, it won’t grow and be healthy. Sometimes we are in a relationship we want in our life and we work and work at it. No matter how hard we work or how much energy we give it, it still doesn’t come to fruition in the way that we want it to.
Remember, the Spiritual part of you always knows the bigger picture of lessons you want to learn in your life.
I liken this process to being on the highway and getting frustrated about how slow traffic is going, only to come upon a serious accident further up the road. Had you been faster, sooner, etc. perhaps you would have been part of that accident. Your own higher wisdom guides you to what is right for you to learn and experience. A seeming interruption of where you want to go means that there is something greater for you to experience.
Relationships as the Catalyst of Change:
Sometimes we need help in making changes in our lives. Relationships can be that catalyst to bring about that much needed change in us or for us. As you begin to effect changes with greater conscious awareness, you’ll rely less on relationships to help you do that. As you go through change it’s good to keep in mind a teaching of AA – ‘Don’t let yourself get too hungry, too tired or too sad.’ If you find yourself approaching one of these modes, do something to help break the downward spiral before it can takes further hold of you.
The Cycle of relationships:
One step builds upon another. Keep in mind the guidelines and checkpoints outlined above to help you achieve more conscious and loving relationships. Hold within you the details of your internal scrapbook. Continually evaluate your internal landscape to ensure what you’re experiencing is what you want. Follow each relationship through in a respectful and thorough way. See where love takes you. ‘Love who you love without apology.’ As we grow personally and through relationships, there is a greater opening for us to continually refocus purposeful interaction with each other.
Kahlil Gibran told us, “Do not think that we can direct the course of Love, for Love if it finds us worthy directs our course.” Sometimes we feel powerless to love. We feel that we can’t control it when it comes to us. It feels like attempting to stop the wind from blowing. You may not be able to control who you love but you can decide what you act upon. Choose consciously what you want your experience to be and follow your heart, mind and spirit to creating your journey to achieving your wants, dreams, needs, goals and desires.
Janet Ingraham
Holistic Counseling
“Global healing begins within.”
Janet combines 30 years of numerous traditional, alternative and esoteric tools and teachings with spiritual healing arts to knowledgeably and compassionately assist, counsel and facilitate in identifying, applying and manifesting effective solutions. Specializing in support for grief & loss, trauma resolution, physical health, spiritual advancement, balance, anxiety, stress, depression and the development of life skills. Modalities utilized include: Counseling, Guided Meditation, Regressive & Integrative Therapies, Dream work & Energetic Healing.
Janet practices Holistic Counseling, which is a multi-dimensional road map to physical, emotional, mental and spiritual insight, awakening, integration and wholeness. This unique process is intuitively and spiritually guided, directed and personalized to assist individuals in making their next developmental transitional steps on their ongoing evolutionary path. Subtle energy systems and frequencies assist in unlocking the mysteries of the soul’s intent and purpose, throughout one’s life journey in conscious awareness, understanding and healing. Holistic Counseling works consciously, subconsciously, super consciously and energetically for release, re-patterning and regeneration.
Janet is available for private sessions in person or over the phone. For more information or to schedule a session:
Contact Info:
Email: janetingraham@hotmail.com
Location: San Diego, CA
Testimonials:
“Working with Janet Ingraham is one of the most valuable experiences that I have ever had. She gently took me on a journey inside myself unlike anything I had ever experienced. I got in touch with my own higher spirit and learned to listen in a whole new way. I emerged with a whole new understanding of myself and of others that I thought I would never be able to understand. I love myself. Life is different and joyful.” Stephanie Edwards, South Carolina
“During the time that I have been seeing Janet Ingraham, I have taken the time to evaluate my life, my priorities and my behaviors. From the first meeting, I was struck with the ease and comfortableness I felt in talking to Janet about many things I had never shared with anyone before. When I reflect back on myself compared to today, I am shocked to see how much I have gained. My confidence level, my self-assurance, my basic comfort level have dramatically improved. Because of the philosophies, wisdoms and life truths Janet has shared with me, I approach each day with joyful optimism. I recommend Janet to anyone seeking inner peace as well as a more complete sense of living.”
Connie Baer, San Diego |
